


Lethe

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, M/M, Memory Issues, Memory Loss, i apologize but they are sad in canon, not very happy, they're only happy in aus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 15:10:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15318222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sirius has gaps in his memory from his time in Azkaban. But still, he hordes his limited memories of Remus and keeps them as safe as he can.Or the Ten Times that Sirius Black saw Remus Lupin





	Lethe

 

> **1**

  
The first time Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin, he has no idea who he's looking at. Sirius is on the platform with his family- Mother and Father and Regulus. Narcissa, Andromeda, and Bella aren't being escorted by their parents like Sirius is, but he supposes it's alright if only because it means that he gets to say goodbye to Regulus.

Mother and Father aren't paying attention, instead, they are chatting with a pureblood family that Sirius can't be bothered to care about. He's making his promises to Reg and trying to keep Reg from crying if only to prevent his Mother from grabbing him by the back of his neck and forcing Reg to sob openly while she chastises him for crying.

There's a small flash of golden hair through the crowd and that's when Sirius sees Remus Lupin for the first time. He doesn't know the boy's name yet, but he drinks in the sight of golden hair, golden flashes in hazel eyes and worn clothing.

The boy is small and lean and he has a fierce look in his eyes that Sirius recognizes from when he fights with his mother.

Sirius is going to befriend this boy.

 

>   
>  **2**

The next time that Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin is in their second year. That's not to say that Sirius and Remus didn't interact- oh no, Sirius even managed to befriend the great Remus Lupin. But the second time that Sirius truly sees Remus, Remus is crying and begging for mercy.

It's their second year and James, Peter, and Sirius have finally gotten up the never to confront Remus for not telling them that he is a werewolf. Sirius was rather proud of himself for noticing this first, but then he's always paid more attention to the heavens than the other boys in the room. With the exception of how Remus feels the phases of the moon, Sirius knows what phase the moon is in on any given day better than anyone else.

But Sirius is not feeling very proud at all. Because here is the great Remus Lupin and he's sobbing and asking his best friends not to tell anyone and he's swearing that he'll leave without a fuss.

Sirius is so alarmed by this reaction that he doesn't know what to do. He reaches out to hold Remus and he freezes when Remus flinches away from his arms. Sirius feels like he's drowning at the lowest part of the Black Lake when he meets Peter's startled eyes and James's blank expression over Remus's head.

"You're our mate, Remus," tries Sirius. "We don't want you to go."

And James Potter jumps to the rescue.

Later, Sirius can't remember what the three of them say to convince Remus that they're still friends with him and that they don't want him to leave. But Sirius will always remember the way he saw Remus cry. It's one of the Dementor's favorite memories to pull up.

 

> **3**

The third time that Sirius BLack sees Remus Lupin, Remus is crying once again. Sirius freezes at first and hopes that this isn't a repeat of their second year, but then Remus gets angry and yells at them. Sirius relaxes.

It's their fifth year now and Sirius, Peter, and James have just shown him their Animagus forms. Sirius watches in fascination as Remus cries and yells at them for being foolish.

Sirius reaches out to hug Remus, and this time Remus lets him. Peter and James soon join in on the hug, but before they do, Sirius looks up into Remus's eyes and realizes, 'There's nothing that I wouldn't do for this man.'

Sirius keeps this memory tucked safely away through the war, even when it hurts like an old bruise and tastes bittersweet. It's only in Azkaban that the memory begins to fade from the Dementor's influence. It's when he's been in prison for 4 years that he realizes that he can't remember what color Remu's sweater was on that day. Sirius screams himself hoarse and claws at the walls until his nails and fingers are shredded. Sirius would have cried himself to sleep if he any tears left.

 

> **4**

The fourth time Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin, Remus is lit up in anger. He's yelling at Sirius and Sirius wants to hide. He wants to go back to the little cupboard off of the sixth floor when he and Regulus would hide from their Mother, from Bella, from their Father.

But Sirius can't hide there now because he doesn't fit and last time he tried, Regulus had told Mother where he was. Peter and James just watch as Remus screams himself hoarse. Sirius doesn't try to stop himself from crying until Remus yells at him for only crying to make Remus feel bad for him.

Later, James will refer to this day as 'the Prank' as if by minimizing the event itself, he can minimize the hurt that Sirius felt and the rage that Remus had felt.

The Dementors don't have to drag this memory up for Sirius because he uses it to punish himself already.

 

> **5**

The fifth time that Sirius sees Remus is at James and Lily's wedding. It's a quick and hushed affair with just enough witnessed to make it legal in the eyes of the Ministry and binding in the eyes of God.

Afterward, they get roaring drunk and Sirius looks over and sees Remus's sparkling eyes watching him from across the room. Sirius stumbles his way over and pulls Remus into the hall closet.

Remus's lips are warm and wet from the beer and fire whiskey. Sirius is sure that he tastes like orange juice and vodka and maybe a little more whiskey. But that doesn't matter because Remus's lips are on his and all he can do his whisper "Yes," and "Please," when Remus's lips trail down his neck.

Remus never once says his name when he gets Sirius off in that closet. But he watches Sirius when Sirius returns the favor with his hands stuffed down Remus's pants.

Sirius doesn't know what pleas and promises are spilling from his lips but Remus never returns them.

He wakes the next morning alone and with marks from Remus's teeth in his neck.

Sirius never feels more alone than he does right then.

 

> **6**

The sixth time Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin, he's not terribly sure if Remus is really there or not. He never wants to ask so he never knows.

Sirius is screaming and crying and laughing at the fucking futility of it all when he gets arrested. James and Lily are dead, Wormtail is a rat, and Remus is watching Sirius over the destruction. Sirius can see him over the shoulders of the Aurors.

Sirius thinks that he screams at Remus to take care of Harry, but he can't be sure that he is actually screaming words.

It is another 12 years before Sirius sees Remus Lupin in anything other than a memory.

 

> **7**

The seventh time that Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin, it is the full moon before the start of term that year. Remus has always hated these ones the most.

Sirius is so surprised that he stops where he's walking as he sees Remus wandering through Hogsmeade. He looks awful- more scars, more sleepless nights ate away his youth. His robes are shabby and hang loosely on his frame. Sirius wants to know if these are one of the many robes that Sirius would insist that he accidentally bought in the wrong size just to shove into Remus's closet when his back was turned.

Remus's head turns toward Sirius and Sirius would love to bound up to him and see if Remus remembers Padfoot, but he can't risk Remus's reaction now that he finally knows where Peter is, so he turns and runs down the alley and hopes that Remus just see the back of a stray dog instead.

 

> **8**

The next time that Sirius sees Remus, he's waiting on the doorstep of the childhood home that Remus could only keep because James paid off 15 years worth of Muggle taxes as a birthday present when Remus turned 20.

Sirius wonders if the gift tastes bitter now in the wake of everything.

Sirius is old and tired. He is weak and still hungry after leaving Azkaban. In short, he feels that same as he has for almost 13 years now. And he falls asleep on Remus's porch.  
When he wakes up, Remus is stepping over him and unlocking the door. Remus doesn't greet him, just leaves the door open. But when he starts a kettle, he pulls out two cups.

And Sirius stands on wearily on two feet and walks closer to Remus.

"You should go bathe," Remus says without turning around. "You remember where everything is I suppose?"

Sirius turns and walks up the steps. He does not actually remember where everything is. But walking through this house is like finding a long-lost journal and rereading the entries. Sirius may not remember the specifics of when he spent time here, but it's as he opens the door to Remus's old room that the emotions start coming back. He looks for clothes to borrow and tries not to think about how he's almost positive that the time he spent here was one of the last time he was alone with Remus until James and Lily's wedding.

Remus comes into the room and watches as Sirius pulls out clothes to borrow.

"You're crying," states Remus.

And Sirius touches his check to find that yes, yes he is.

 

> **9**

The ninth time that Sirius Black sees Remus Lupin, they're sitting across the table from Remus at breakfast and he feels such a strong sense of Deja vu that he has to put down his fork and his knife and stop to consider whether this is more than just a feeling.

"Remus?" he asks.

"Hmmm," responds Remus but he doesn't look up from the paper.

"Have you ever- did I ever bring you here?'" Sirius asks.

Remus eyes Sirius over the top of the paper for a brief moment.

"No," he says. "You never invited me, but I believe you brought James here once."

There's no trace of bitterness in Remus's voice but Sirius still feels like he's been slapped.

"I did?" he asks himself. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," Remus answered the question he wasn't asked. "But I remember James talking about it. Said many things about this awful house that I am only now beginning to realize were all understatements."

"Oh," says Sirius.

The rest of breakfast passes in silence while Sirius tries to figure out whether or not Remus is upset that he invited James here. Sirius doesn't know when it became so hard for him to read Remus, but he hates that day more than the day he went to Azkaban. Remus just reads his paper while Sirius studies him.

It's only when Remus stands to leave that Sirius finds the words.

"Remus, if you've never been here before then why does this feel so familiar?" asks Sirius.

Remus sighs as like Sirius' imprisonment and subsequent memory loss are the greatest hardship that he's ever had to endure. He shrugs.

"I don't know Pads," he says. "You might be thinking of Hogwarts? Peter and I would usually sit across from you and James."

Remus leaves the room.

Remus isn't wrong decides Sirius, but he isn't really right either. This was something more recent.

It's another three days before Sirius remembers. It was the morning after James and Lily's wedding. Sirius had woken up alone, but when he had stumbled into Remus's kitchen the table had been set and they ate breakfast together. Remus had gazed at him over top of the paper and winked at Sirius before leaving for work. As far as declarations of love or lust or even intent, it hadn't been much, but Sirius has always taken whatever Remus was willing to give him. They slept together and ate breakfast like that a few more times before Sirius's arrest.

 

> **10**

The tenth and last time that Sirius Back saw Remus Lupin, Remus is screaming at Sirius.

He's holding Hary back as Sirius falls back. Sirius doesn't understand but he memorizes Remus's face before he can look at nothing but the walls and then the ceiling.

The look on Remus's face, Sirius can't place it. Can't even remember if he's seen that face before.

It's just moments before he's gone that he realizes Remus's face was screaming, 'I love you.'

Oh, that's why hurt is such a familiar look on Remus's face. And Sirius is gone forever.

**Author's Note:**

> join me on tumblr @werewolfdracomalfoy


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